A Teacher lecturing on population:
In India after Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up and says: we must find and stop her !!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sardar in train
Sardar : I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend : why?
Sardar : Got upper berth.
Friend : why didn't you exchange?
Sardar : Oye, there was nobody to exchange in the lower berth..
Friend : why?
Sardar : Got upper berth.
Friend : why didn't you exchange?
Sardar : Oye, there was nobody to exchange in the lower berth..
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Beauty of Mathematics !!!!!!!
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
If:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
It's up to you to inform your friends and loved ones to read this in my blog.
Have a nice day
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
If:
H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%
And:
K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E
11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
But:
A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E
1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F- G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
It's up to you to inform your friends and loved ones to read this in my blog.
Have a nice day
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
I'm at the wrong bank
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
The corporate boat race
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
How to look busy
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
Newest ATM machines
The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Business one-liners 01
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Just Laughs ..!!
A FOOLish man tells his wife to STOP talking,
but a WISE man tells she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED
==
One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
==
Three FASTEST means of Communication
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell -a Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYBODY
==
What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER amongst all your Friends.
==
If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOMEthing in your life
If you have 'ONE' ; You are missing EVERY thing in your life
==
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & ....other 'ONE' ensures U Continue it..
==
Sardar : O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?
biwi : Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai,
Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
==
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no
==
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
==
Teacher : Correct this sentence "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Pappu : "A cow and a bull is grazing in the field"
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
but a WISE man tells she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED
==
One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
==
Three FASTEST means of Communication
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell -a Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYBODY
==
What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER amongst all your Friends.
==
If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOMEthing in your life
If you have 'ONE' ; You are missing EVERY thing in your life
==
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & ....other 'ONE' ensures U Continue it..
==
Sardar : O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?
biwi : Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai,
Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
==
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no
==
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
==
Teacher : Correct this sentence "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Pappu : "A cow and a bull is grazing in the field"
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
FUNNY relationships wisdom !!!!!!!! :)
1. a very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother " who am i ????? "
ready to play the game she said " i dont know who are you ???? "
" WOW " cried the child " mrs Johnson was right ! she said i was so dirty that my mother would not even recognize me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. little tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. interested in wat the cheeky faced youngster was up to he polietly asked, " wat r u up 2 tim?" " my goldfish died" said tim tearfully, without looking up said " and i just buried him " the nieghbour was concerned " thats an awfully big hole 4 a goldfish isnt it ? " tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "thats bcuz its still inside your cat"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3. if u love something set it free
if it comes back it was and always be yours
if it never returns it was never yours to being with
if it sits in ur living room messes up ur stuff eats ur food uses ur telephone takes ur money and never behaves as if u actually set it free in the first place u either married it or give birth 2 it
ready to play the game she said " i dont know who are you ???? "
" WOW " cried the child " mrs Johnson was right ! she said i was so dirty that my mother would not even recognize me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. little tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. interested in wat the cheeky faced youngster was up to he polietly asked, " wat r u up 2 tim?" " my goldfish died" said tim tearfully, without looking up said " and i just buried him " the nieghbour was concerned " thats an awfully big hole 4 a goldfish isnt it ? " tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "thats bcuz its still inside your cat"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------3. if u love something set it free
if it comes back it was and always be yours
if it never returns it was never yours to being with
if it sits in ur living room messes up ur stuff eats ur food uses ur telephone takes ur money and never behaves as if u actually set it free in the first place u either married it or give birth 2 it
Multi-use parts
When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699 when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699 when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
What successs is at different ages
At age 4 success is...........not peeing in ur pants 
At age 12 success is .............having friends
At age 17 success is .............having an driver license
At age 35 success is .............having money
At age 50 success is .............having money
At age 70 success is .............having driver license
At age 75 success is .............having friends
At age 80 success is .............NOT PEEING IN UR PANTS
At age 12 success is .............having friends
At age 17 success is .............having an driver license
At age 35 success is .............having money
At age 50 success is .............having money
At age 70 success is .............having driver license
At age 75 success is .............having friends
At age 80 success is .............NOT PEEING IN UR PANTS
Some Really Cool Definitions
School :
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer
to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody
disagrees later on.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer
to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody
disagrees later on.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes
he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
American Jokes
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Friday, May 2, 2008
Pulled over in Texas...
Two guys were riding through Texas when they got pulled over by the state patrol. So the two guys Slide on their seat belt and watch the officer get out of the car. The officer walks over to the driver's wind and tapped on it with his flashlight. When the driver rolls down the window he says, "Hello offi..." and the officer hits him across the face with his flashlight.
The driver then goes, "Ow, what the hell was that for" rubbing his face The officer reply was, "In Texas, boy, you s'posed to have ya' license and registration redeh when I come to the winda'." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." The officer writes the guy a ticket and gives it to him. When the driver received his ticket and was about to roll up his window the officer hit him again. "Ow," the guy screams, "what the hell was that one for?" "In Texas, when we give ya a ticket. Ya s'pposed to say thank ya'." So the guy quickly tells the officer thank you and rolls up his window.
The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on his window. The passenger rolls down his window and the officer hits him over the head. The passenger then yells, "Ow what was that for?"
The officer says, "I was just making yur wish come true."
"Wish, what wish?"
"I know down tha road, ya gonna say to ya buddy 'I wish that son of a bitch would of tried that shit with me."
The driver then goes, "Ow, what the hell was that for" rubbing his face The officer reply was, "In Texas, boy, you s'posed to have ya' license and registration redeh when I come to the winda'." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." The officer writes the guy a ticket and gives it to him. When the driver received his ticket and was about to roll up his window the officer hit him again. "Ow," the guy screams, "what the hell was that one for?" "In Texas, when we give ya a ticket. Ya s'pposed to say thank ya'." So the guy quickly tells the officer thank you and rolls up his window.
The officer then walks around to the passenger side and taps on his window. The passenger rolls down his window and the officer hits him over the head. The passenger then yells, "Ow what was that for?"
The officer says, "I was just making yur wish come true."
"Wish, what wish?"
"I know down tha road, ya gonna say to ya buddy 'I wish that son of a bitch would of tried that shit with me."
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD.
** A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
** When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
** The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
** Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
** When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
** If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.
** I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
** Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
** If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
** Living well really is the best revenge.
** Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
** Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
** And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
** When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
** The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
** Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
** When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
** If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.
** I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
** Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
** If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
** Living well really is the best revenge.
** Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
** Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
** And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Blonde Scout Leader...
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Blonde Scout Leader...
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Life Is Backwards:
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that a bonus?? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm."
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm."
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***************************
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new application quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***************************
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new application quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Five-Year Solitary
Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.
At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.
Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"
The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.
Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"
At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.
Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"
The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.
Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"
What Women Want In A Man:
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
=======================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
=======================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
=========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
========================================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
TEXAS PHRASES:
** The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
** Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
** Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.
** We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
** He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
** As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).
** S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
** It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
** Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
** This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
** He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
** They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.
** As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
** You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
** Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
** Big hat, no cattle
Translation: All talk and no action.
** We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
** He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
** As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (self-explanatory).
** S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
** It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
** Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
** This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
** He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
** They ate supper before they said grace
Translation: Living in sin.
** As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
** You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
Only in America...
A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.
He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".
HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous.
He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires".
HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
How to Please Your I.T. Department
** When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
** Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
** When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
** When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
** When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
** When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
** Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
** When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
** When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
** When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
** When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
** When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
** When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
** Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
** Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
** Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
** When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
** When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
** When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
** When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
** Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
** When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
** When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
** When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
** When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
** When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
** When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
** Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
** Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
You Think You're Having A Bad Day...
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I Need A Drink...
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"
GOD & HIS CREATION
God created the donkey
and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
.........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God created the dog
and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God created the monkey
and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
.........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally God created man ...
and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
........................................................................................
And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,
marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
.........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God created the dog
and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. "
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
..........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God created the monkey
and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live
20 years. "
The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
.........................................................................................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally God created man ...
and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only
20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
........................................................................................
And since then, man lives
20 years as a man ,
marries and spends
30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
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